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Category Archives: Thinking

Essays and reflections about inner life, relationships, and meaning.

Returning to Routine

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Adventures are thrilling, but they’re also loud. For now, I’m choosing the softer kind of noise: kettles boiling, washing machines humming, toast crunching…

The Highs

August was incredible. Big trips, bright moments, the kind of days that deserve capital letters: The Fringe. The Theme Park. The New Head Office.

There were late nights and loud mornings, too many people crammed into too little space, gig timetables that felt like puzzles and the dizzying joy of being somewhere that wasn’t my own room. Chaos at its finest.

But here’s the truth: they’ve also wrung me out. Amazing, yes. Exhausting, absolutely.

The Craving

Now, all I want is routine. The boring kind. The quiet kind. The kind where I know what Monday looks like, where Tuesday isn’t a surprise party, and where the biggest decision of the week is whether I eat pasta or rice for dinner.

Give me predictable mornings. Coffee in the same mug, at the same table, at the same time and not having to remember what loyalty app I should be using. Give me getting all my chores done by Thursdays, so that knitting on the sofa comes stress-free on Fridays, and all without having to calculate train times and Uber journeys.

Routine is knowing when the bins go out. It’s having a go-to mug for Monday mornings and that the only Friday night outfit I’ll need is a sports bra and gym leggings. It’s deciding how many episodes of Alien: Earth I can rewatch before bed without sabotaging the next day. It’s the hum of the washing machine. The kettle clicking off, steady as a metronome. The too-bright supermarket lights that feel oddly comforting, in the same way that everything in the rest of the supermarket is just where you expect it to be.

The Balance

Chaos is brilliant. It’s also loud. It demands too much, too often. Adventure is a drum solo: dazzling, thrilling, impossible to ignore. Routine is the rhythm section underneath, steady and grounding. The part that makes the music work.

I sat at my desk the other day and realised what I wanted wasn’t another adventure. It was a week where the most dramatic moment was the Google reminder for me to get my laundry out of the dryer.

The Rest

So yes, I’ve had some amazing weekends.

But right now? I want a week where nothing happens. Where the highlight is an empty laundry basket or a perfectly buttered piece of toast. Where the biggest problem is I’ve run out of almond milk or the butter being too cold to spread.

Maybe that’s the secret: adventure isn’t special without the contrast. The parties, the trips, the chaos, they need routine to bounce against.

I’ll take boredom while it lasts. Fireworks always find their way back in, whether I ask for them or not.

RIP to the Perfect Notebook

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There’s a pile of them on my shelves: passion planners, diaries, bullet journals, colour-coded agendas, Italian leather ones, Japanese ones from before they changed the paper. A graveyard of productivity promises.

I used to believe that if I just found the right one, the perfect notebook, I’d finally unlock my life. I’d become the kind of person who shows up on time, never loses track of deadlines, and doesn’t panic when someone casually asks, “So what’s your five-year plan?”

Crisp pages. Neat lines. Tabs for goals and dreams. The stationery version of a miracle cure.

I bought them all. Dotted notebooks. Lined notebooks. Planners that could probably manage a small government. Each one promised that this time, no really this time,  I’d get my shit together.

The Imaginary Me

The perfect notebook was never just about pages and ink. It was about the imaginary neurotypical me I thought I was buying. The version of me who thrives on structure. Who remembers birthdays. Who completes her Self Assessment on time.

Capitalism sold me the fantasy. Pinterest boards sold me the aesthetic. Productivity blogs sold me the idea that my messy brain was just waiting for the right planner. 1990s mental health services backed them up.

She was supposed to be in there, hidden under the chaos, ready to be summoned by a 12-week goal tracker.

Spoiler: she never showed up.

What I Got Instead

What I actually got was:

Half-filled pages.

Colour-coded calendars abandoned after week two.

Expensive washi tape dots that stick to everything except the page you meant.

A cupboard that looks less like a productivity system and more like the stationery aisle of WH Smith exploded.


I wasn’t building a better version of me. I was building a stationery mausoleum.

Quantified Self

It wasn’t just notebooks either. I flirted with the whole Quantified Self movement. Habit trackers and bujos whispering that if I just paid attention to myself for more than 24 seconds, I’d finally see that commitment could make me a real person.

Pair it with a Fitbit.

Team up with a Nike+ FuelBand.

Add a Garmin to my wrist.

An app buzzing on my phone at hourly intervals. All of them promising that if I could log enough data points … steps, calories, sleep, water, moods, what colour my hair was…  I’d be unstoppable.

Spoiler: I remained very stoppable.

What I actually ended up with was a drawer full of obsolete gadgets because I’d lost the proprietary charger, three abandoned apps that I’d only remember when the recurring subscription charges left my bank account, and the growing suspicion that the only thing I was really tracking was my ability to fail in new formats.

The Grief

And here’s the part I didn’t expect: I still grieve her. That imaginary version of me. The tidy, consistent person I was told I could become with enough grit, discipline, and neon highlighters.

It’s something that’s come up a lot in counselling lately. Grief and Anger.

The Grief of realising I’ve spent decades chasing someone I could never be. The Anger at how long I believed it, how easily the promise was sold to me.

Capitalised because they’re like the characters from an animated movie, driving me onwards to be handed off to the next stage in the relay race of emotions. These are just the first two in a seven character montage. Available soon in a limited edition Funko Pop set.

It hits in small, sharp ways. The sting of old photos where I still looked optimistic, still thought I’d find my way into “normal.” The ache of more recent ones where the exhaustion is written across my face. That me is suffering under the quiet heaviness of all those empty planners, each one insisting I list my “Top 3 tasks for the day” while my brain shrugged and said “Not today Satan.” Too many empty lists wearing heavy on the soul.

Letting that mythical version of me go feels like admitting defeat. Like giving up on the life that was supposed to be waiting just around the corner, if only I tried harder. If only I could use the perfect planner for four whole weeks.

It’s absurd, grieving someone who never existed.

But it’s real. I spent decades chasing her. Longer than my marathon career ever lasted.

What’s Left

So here I am. Surrounded by half-used notebooks, still inconsistent, still messy, still me. I don’t have the imaginary life I was promised, and I’m still figuring out how to stop mourning it.

But maybe the first step is admitting it: that version of me… She isn’t dead. She was never real.

And maybe the second step is laughing about it. Because if I don’t, I’ll just end up buying another notebook for the mausoleum.

So I ask you to please respect my privacy at this difficult time. The funeral will be a small private service for family and accountability buddies only. Afterwards, we’ll lay her to rest among the others in the mausoleum, the planners, the apps, the gadgets … a whole graveyard of good intentions. And maybe that’s okay.

Maybe it’s time to stop haunting the cemetery and just start living in the mess.

Bank Holiday for the Quiet

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Seven photos side by side. 6 of them show some kind of coffee on a table or in a hand, with a cake or sandwich. The 6th show a coffee in a takeaway cup and a view of Edinburgh Castle. The 7th is a shot of a cake with pink icing and raspberries on top in a take away container.

I started this blog as I was starting to run marathons. It was, at the time, a blissful way to leave things behind and get some quite. Making myself a plodding metronome of forward motion, like a physical kind of meditation, coupled with leaving technology behind. Running for the quiet. The last marathon I ran was a wet miserable affair 13 years ago. I pretty much never ran again after that weekend.

This month has been a different kind of marathon.

It started with a week off, which, to be clear, was not “restful.” It recharged my will to live, but was not restful. When I was at my lowest mental health point, I used to test myself. I’d travel to a place I liked, and see how long I would stay there before I headed back to “real life.” A weird kind of “chicken” with myself and my reality. I know it doesn’t make sense, I’ve explained it in therapy and it still doesn’t make sense.

On my week off I went back to these places, I think to use it as a way to calibrate my current mental health status. But also to remind myself that at some point I loved going to other cities or towns, looking at art, visiting yarn shops and drinking coffee in nice places. These were things I enjoyed at one time, and became stained grey with depression. Some trips were better than others. I found that, once I’d given myself permission to arrive and leave on my own schedule, there was enjoyment in these excursions. It felt like a restoration of my soul, but not a rest for my body.

Then came the Fringe. Four days of crowds, shows, and the peculiar energy of Edinburgh in August. It’s part inspiration, part overstimulation, and all of it while walking up cobblestone hills. It was brilliant, chaotic and exhausting. There’s a special guilt I enjoy here, I went to Fringe, for work, and I’m complaining about it. It was amazing. It was exhausting. Both of these things can be true at the same time.

And just when I thought I might catch my breath, I was off again, this time for a head office trip. A different kind of busy, where my day was full of talking and planning, building furniture to upgrade our office space, discussing stats and comparing years of data, and I get back to my hotel room wondering if I remembered to drink any water at all.

So now it’s Bank Holiday weekend, and for once, I’m not going anywhere. No train tickets. No suitcase. No itinerary. Just my personal space, a pile of laundry, and the rare opportunity to actually be quiet.

The thing is, quiet isn’t always easy. Busy feels natural. Busy looks productive. Busy means I don’t have to stop and check in with myself. Sitting still, on the other hand, feels suspicious. I must be doing it wrong? Wasting time? Or missing out on something?

But I think that’s exactly why I need it. This weekend isn’t about catching up, or being productive, or even “recovering.” It’s about stopping. About remembering that sitting still has value, even if it doesn’t look impressive on a calendar or in a photo.

Maybe I’ll knit, because at least then my restless hands have something to do. Maybe I’ll stretch my hips and pretend that counts as yoga. Maybe I’ll finally read something that isn’t on a screen. Or maybe I’ll just stare into space and call it meditation. Whatever shape it takes, I want this weekend to feel unapologetically small.

Because if this month has been about movement, then this weekend is about stillness. And honestly, stillness feels like the harder thing to choose.

So here’s to a Bank Holiday spent doing less, aggressively. I might have stopped running marathons, but I’m still chasing the Quiet.

All this has happened before.

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A blister pack of pills rests in a wooden pen stand, next to a black skull desk tidy on a black desk

Let me clarify, I didn’t mean to stop, it was just one of those weeks where everything was a little too busy, and I never got to the Doctors appointment, and then I never got around to re booking it (because I was embarrassed about missing the 1st one) , and so one week became two, and then three and the next thing you know I’m crying for some silly pointless reason (again.)

Me – this blog – 2013.

I moved a lot of blog posts in to archives before thinking about posting anything again. The above quote is from one of those now archived posts, it ends with another trip to the doctors, and a return to SSRIs. The whole post just reeks of shame. It wasn’t first time I’d forgotten or the last.

It happened so often it’s probably recorded in the Book of Pythia.

Since 2013 I’ve done a bunch of counseling. It helped spot some of these patterns, it’s just frustrating that they were out in the open. But there’s that shame again.

The problem wasn’t remembering the pills. The problem is fearing I’ll need them forever, and the exhaustion in seeing that part of me planned out for eternity. It’s soul destroying, and to me, more crushing than the actual help they might offer. Add in that sting of guilt and shame when I forget meds or skip supplements. It’s draining.

The shame is that it shouldn’t be this hard to take care of myself. The shame is that I’m 44 years old and I still use what is essentially a reward chart to remember to brush my teeth, and it’s inevitable that I’m going to fail.

All this will happen again.

If I keep failing to take my meds and supplements, then that means I keep returning to taking supplements and meds.

Had you forgotten that I’ve had counselling? It’s been more valuable than the meds. Understanding how my brain works*, and hearing that it’s not just a me thing has been a revelation. It’s not so shameful when you realise it’s not just you. It’s hard to feel shame when someone challenges WHY you’re ashamed.

I spent all of 2024 and most of this 2025 trying to stay away from taking anything. But I’ve had such a run of poor sleep I’ve started taking some pills again. It’s been a week of taking something twice a day.

Before starting I found something that could be taken with water, so I didn’t panic when I’d forgotten to eat** and give up. The packet sits on my desk where I can see them, not in a cupboard or draw where they’re forgotten***. Using the patterns of the past to help me make better choices for the future.

Before I started I accepted that I’m going to forget to take them, and that’s ok. Managing my health isn’t about perfection, it’s about progress, kindness, and doing what I can when I can. Not with shame that I’ll forget, but with hope I’ll always come back to doing what’s best for me.

So Say We All.

*cPTSD with some possible ADHD.
**Yes, low introspective awareness is an ADHD thing thanks for pointing that out
***Again I’m aware object constancy is an ADHD thing, cheers.




Here’s the deal.

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It has been a while since I’ve had the bandwidth to do this. So let’s not waste energy on the whys of stopping, and save the dramatic back stories for RPG sessions. I’m not here to explain, I’m here to make things.

I’m going to get back into using this space for whatever I want. Right now that’s gym trips, carving lino and knitting. But there could be a whole bunch of side quests, or nothing.

No niche, no rules, no schedule.

The deal is, if you’re into it, you’re welcome. If you’re not, you can leave. I’m not the boss of you.

No one wants to hear my voice.

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I said this out loud this week.

“No one wants to hear my voice.”

I didn’t realise at the time, but it pissed me off.

It pissed me off so much I wrote it down in one of my many notebooks. It pissed me off so much I took the note book to my therapy session. So I could be pissed off about it some more.

I realised, through the medium of shouting at a person with a PhD, that at some point in the past few years I have begun censoring myself. Keeping quiet, because I’m tired of explaining myself.

I used to speak on live radio, I had popular shows, people did want to hear my voice. I used to be passionate about making content, and it was always content I wanted to consume. It didn’t have to be full and finished, and who cared how many folks listened to it, or watched, or read it.

Who cared if no one consumed your content? You just screamed at the sky and then danced in the moonlight.

But at some point I stopped. I decided that no one wanted to hear my voice. And that included me.

All my photos are shit.

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Low res photo of a train window.

I bought a 35mm camera. It’s not a fancy one. You can’t change the fstop, or the ISO or other photography things I don’t know, or understand. You point it and click. It’s a Toy Camera, apparently.

It has a flash. I forget to use it. Forgot to use it. And on the roll of 36 photos, I used flash 7 times.

It took over a week to get the images. I don’t know, nor want to know, how to develop my own film. I sent it away. Queuing in the post office to ask a person to print a lable for me, and sending the film, with the shit photos hidden inside, away.

I had to wait. How did I have the patience to do this as a child? Taking analogue pictures in fast food shops, and theme parks, and waiting for all the exposures to be used, and then waiting to have enough money to have them deveoloped, and then waiting for them to be developed and printed and then waiting to see my friends and family to show them my shit photos. How did I have the patience?

Fuck. I missed it. Not the waiting, but yes the waiting. The waiting was almost the best part of the whole experience. Almost.

Getting the digital scans of the shots, the let down of seeing everything nearly black, the halarious resignation of thinking “oh, I fucked these up” when scrolling through, and the immediate wonder if I’m currently fucking up with the half used roll of film I currently have in the camera right now. Perfect.

All my photos are shit. And I love them.