Category Archives: Health

13 years ago an attempt was made…

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I didn’t realise at the time, but I was starting my last marathon attempt. It was not my first long run. It was not my first marathon. But it was the last time I purposefully went running.

My previous marathon had been through my birth town. There were crowds, familiar scenery, and reasonable weather despite being on the coast. At the end I cried, some enthusiastic folks gave me my medal and a banana, and they ushered me towards a spot where someone took my photo. (The photo turned out to be very expensive, and I looked terrible in it.) But photography aside, I liked it enough to sign up for another marathon 3 years later.

And now we’re up to date for this story.

Thirteen years ago I started a marathon in my home town. I was excited, and I had trained reasonably well. I was never going to be a fast marathon runner, or in the top percentiles for any age bracket. I wasn’t chasing bling, it was always just a personal thing. Less than 1% of the population complete a marathon. It’s the only 1% I’ll ever qualify for.

But on the day, the weather was horrible. It shouldn’t have been surprising really. The location was once known as “the wettest city in England.” The drizzle was despicable, cold and unending. In stark contrast to my previous marathon, through a city, filled with people, this one fairly quickly went out of town and into the countryside.

The Lancashire countryside is vast and beautiful, but the sheep did not care for the 1650 folks who were foolish enough to want to run long distances on a wet day. The cows were not interested if this was a difficult run or not.

There are, I think, different types of folk who run marathons. There are those who are there to compete, either against people around them, or themselves. The time, the pace is important. It is a race after all.

And then there are those who are there for the experience. They have trained, just like the other folks, but there is less concern about time, and more about completion. I am one of these people. The overall experience for me was misery.

I think it was somewhere around mile twenty one where the first aiders pulled up beside me. I must have looked terrible. Worse even than the expensive finishers photo from my last marathon. I must have sounded terrible too, because I couldn’t even remember my date of birth, or my age.

So that was it. My last marathon. My heroic finale: shuffled off the course by first aiders, wrapped in tin foil like leftovers, and chauffeured across the finish line in a van. Not quite the epic tale of endurance I’d imagined.

And honestly? I let that day kill running and writing in one go. I failed at one hobby, so obviously my brain decided I wasn’t allowed to enjoy the other. Very rational. Top-tier coping strategies.

Thirteen years later, I haven’t run a single marathon. No half marathons, 10k or parkruns. No running anywhere unless it was across a convention center with XLR leads. But here I am, writing again. Because apparently I needed over a decade to recover from typing about exercise. Olympic-level procrastination.

So no, this isn’t some grand running comeback. There’s no training plan. No redemption arc, or even an inspiring 80s montage. It’s just me, finally admitting that one bad day doesn’t have to be the last word.

And if it took me thirteen years to figure that out… well, at least I’m consistent.

Bank Holiday for the Quiet

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Seven photos side by side. 
6 of them show some kind of coffee on a table or in a hand, with a cake or sandwich. The 6th show a coffee in a takeaway cup and a view of Edinburgh Castle. The 7th is a shot of a cake with pink icing and raspberries on top in a take away container.

I started this blog as I was starting to run marathons. It was, at the time, a blissful way to leave things behind and get some quite. Making myself a plodding metronome of forward motion, like a physical kind of meditation, coupled with leaving technology behind. Running for the quiet. The last marathon I ran was a wet miserable affair 13 years ago. I pretty much never ran again after that weekend.

This month has been a different kind of marathon.

It started with a week off, which, to be clear, was not “restful.” It recharged my will to live, but was not restful. When I was at my lowest mental health point, I used to test myself. I’d travel to a place I liked, and see how long I would stay there before I headed back to “real life.” A weird kind of “chicken” with myself and my reality. I know it doesn’t make sense, I’ve explained it in therapy and it still doesn’t make sense.

On my week off I went back to these places, I think to use it as a way to calibrate my current mental health status. But also to remind myself that at some point I loved going to other cities or towns, looking at art, visiting yarn shops and drinking coffee in nice places. These were things I enjoyed at one time, and became stained grey with depression. Some trips were better than others. I found that, once I’d given myself permission to arrive and leave on my own schedule, there was enjoyment in these excursions. It felt like a restoration of my soul, but not a rest for my body.

Then came the Fringe. Four days of crowds, shows, and the peculiar energy of Edinburgh in August. It’s part inspiration, part overstimulation, and all of it while walking up cobblestone hills. It was brilliant, chaotic and exhausting. There’s a special guilt I enjoy here, I went to Fringe, for work, and I’m complaining about it. It was amazing. It was exhausting. Both of these things can be true at the same time.

And just when I thought I might catch my breath, I was off again, this time for a head office trip. A different kind of busy, where my day was full of talking and planning, building furniture to upgrade our office space, discussing stats and comparing years of data, and I get back to my hotel room wondering if I remembered to drink any water at all.

So now it’s Bank Holiday weekend, and for once, I’m not going anywhere. No train tickets. No suitcase. No itinerary. Just my personal space, a pile of laundry, and the rare opportunity to actually be quiet.

The thing is, quiet isn’t always easy. Busy feels natural. Busy looks productive. Busy means I don’t have to stop and check in with myself. Sitting still, on the other hand, feels suspicious. I must be doing it wrong? Wasting time? Or missing out on something?

But I think that’s exactly why I need it. This weekend isn’t about catching up, or being productive, or even “recovering.” It’s about stopping. About remembering that sitting still has value, even if it doesn’t look impressive on a calendar or in a photo.

Maybe I’ll knit, because at least then my restless hands have something to do. Maybe I’ll stretch my hips and pretend that counts as yoga. Maybe I’ll finally read something that isn’t on a screen. Or maybe I’ll just stare into space and call it meditation. Whatever shape it takes, I want this weekend to feel unapologetically small.

Because if this month has been about movement, then this weekend is about stillness. And honestly, stillness feels like the harder thing to choose.

So here’s to a Bank Holiday spent doing less, aggressively. I might have stopped running marathons, but I’m still chasing the Quiet.

I remember some… horrible dream about… stretching

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I stayed up way too late last night.

Not because I was out living some glamorous life but because Alien Earth dropped and apparently I have zero impulse control when it comes to streaming sci-fi. I was going to try and nap in the early evening, but I’m just really bad at napping. Which, when you consider I’m over 40, is just unfair.

But now it’s the next day, and I’m on the floor doing hip and ankle stretches, questioning every life choice that led me here. My body feels like it’s made entirely of knots and bad decisions. My brain is still somewhere in deep space. My coffee is just out of reach.

Stretching like this always makes me feel a bit ridiculous. The movements are slow, awkward, and very much not cool person material. But here’s the thing: I need it. My ankles have the mobility of a stubborn Victorian door hinge, and my hips did not enjoy pregnancy fifteen years ago and just won’t stop reminding me. If I don’t keep moving them, they will absolutely stage a rebellion.

So I keep going. Leaning, twisting, holding. Leaning, rotating, stumbling. Leaning, stretching, swearing.

It’s not glamorous, it’s not fast, and it’s definitely not going on an 80s workout montage. And when I finally stand up, I feel a little better, a little more human, not smug enough to justify last night’s sci-fi binge. But at least I did it.

Will I go to bed earlier next time? Absolutely not. We might just have to resign ourselves to the fact that I’ll be awake at one in the morning every Wednesday for the next 7 weeks.

But I’ll stretch again tomorrow. Consider it my way of negotiating peace between my passions and my joints.

All this has happened before.

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A blister pack of pills rests in a wooden pen stand, next to a black skull desk tidy on a black desk

Let me clarify, I didn’t mean to stop, it was just one of those weeks where everything was a little too busy, and I never got to the Doctors appointment, and then I never got around to re booking it (because I was embarrassed about missing the 1st one) , and so one week became two, and then three and the next thing you know I’m crying for some silly pointless reason (again.)

Me – this blog – 2013.

I moved a lot of blog posts in to archives before thinking about posting anything again. The above quote is from one of those now archived posts, it ends with another trip to the doctors, and a return to SSRIs. The whole post just reeks of shame. It wasn’t first time I’d forgotten or the last.

It happened so often it’s probably recorded in the Book of Pythia.

Since 2013 I’ve done a bunch of counseling. It helped spot some of these patterns, it’s just frustrating that they were out in the open. But there’s that shame again.

The problem wasn’t remembering the pills. The problem is fearing I’ll need them forever, and the exhaustion in seeing that part of me planned out for eternity. It’s soul destroying, and to me, more crushing than the actual help they might offer. Add in that sting of guilt and shame when I forget meds or skip supplements. It’s draining.

The shame is that it shouldn’t be this hard to take care of myself. The shame is that I’m 44 years old and I still use what is essentially a reward chart to remember to brush my teeth, and it’s inevitable that I’m going to fail.

All this will happen again.

If I keep failing to take my meds and supplements, then that means I keep returning to taking supplements and meds.

Had you forgotten that I’ve had counselling? It’s been more valuable than the meds. Understanding how my brain works*, and hearing that it’s not just a me thing has been a revelation. It’s not so shameful when you realise it’s not just you. It’s hard to feel shame when someone challenges WHY you’re ashamed.

I spent all of 2024 and most of this 2025 trying to stay away from taking anything. But I’ve had such a run of poor sleep I’ve started taking some pills again. It’s been a week of taking something twice a day.

Before starting I found something that could be taken with water, so I didn’t panic when I’d forgotten to eat** and give up. The packet sits on my desk where I can see them, not in a cupboard or draw where they’re forgotten***. Using the patterns of the past to help me make better choices for the future.

Before I started I accepted that I’m going to forget to take them, and that’s ok. Managing my health isn’t about perfection, it’s about progress, kindness, and doing what I can when I can. Not with shame that I’ll forget, but with hope I’ll always come back to doing what’s best for me.

So Say We All.

*cPTSD with some possible ADHD.
**Yes, low introspective awareness is an ADHD thing thanks for pointing that out
***Again I’m aware object constancy is an ADHD thing, cheers.