Category Archives: Depression

I’m just a cliche…


I’m supposed to be on anti depressants, and I stopped taking them…

Genius, I know.Not only is that possibly the most unoriginal thing for me to have done, but it’s also the most self sabotaging thing I’ve done all year, including the regular eating of rubbish food & moaning about weight gain.

Let me clarify, I didn’t mean to stop, it was just one of those weeks where everything was a little too busy, and I never got to the Doctors appointment, and then I never got around to re booking it (because I was embarrassed about missing the 1st one) , and so one week became two, and then three and the next thing you know I’m crying at my husband for some silly pointless reason (again.)

Going to the Doctors…

It was my husband who booked me in, and the Doctors didn’t shout at me, although I was so nervous in the weighting room. The Doctor was, as you’d expect in this situation, quite understanding, but did make me a referral to the counselling service the surgery has, (although nearly 2 weeks later I have yet to hear from them. )

Mill, this is a running blog…

Has running or excersise helped me while I’ve been feeling miserably manic? Yes, parkrun has honestly been a reason to get up on a Saturday morning, not just for running 5k & beating my time from last week, but for the community there too. No one is bothered if I have or have not done whatever I’m currently stressing about, they’re just glad to see you run the course & welcome another runner to the parkrun cult.

Also I’ve been forcing myself to do Jillian Michael’s 30 Day Shred again. I’m 18 days into it now & it began as a reason to make sure I at least did something productive, but also become a reason that I made sure the kids  helped tidy up the chaos in the living room, and a cleaner living room always makes it seem like the world won’t end in an explosion of lego, toy cars and stuffed animals. It’s also like one of those “Don’t Break The Chain!” things, I’ve done 18 days now, I can’t give up.

Back to real life now…

Two weeks back on my SSRIs & I’m starting to feel a lot better, it apparently takes up to 6 weeks for everything to get back up to strength, so I’m not yet getting the full benefits of the drugs, but I’m starting to feel more like me than the crazy mummy.

The moral of this story…

I’m not superwoman & I can’t do everything myself & my health is one of the most important things I have. I know it sounds like the end of one of those cheesy American TV programs where someone has gone on a life changing journey & learnt many life lessons. But now I’m not being the crazy ginger my husband has told me off a little.

“How can you raise to awesome children, if you’re not being awesome too?” One of the reasons I started running was so I’m not going to be an embarrassing unhealthy mummy at the school gates, but I’m just going to have to pay just as much attention to my mental health as well as my physical.


Another non running post…


Men for the sake of getting a living forget to live.
Margaret Fuller

So the trip to the doctors to get the blood results, proves I’m not traditionally ill, I’m just a miserable sod. The doctor I spoke with this time round was much nicer than the last & seemed to e much more knowledgeable, or perhaps she was just easier to talk to.
So the outcome of it all is, Yes I am suffering from some level of depression, and I am on some medication (a SSRI type if anyone has any opinion on them.) The decision to take anti depressants was a mixed one, and the swing was a post retweeted by Bangsandabun on twitter, sorry I have no link or remember the original blog poster, basically “if you were diabetic you wouldn’t refuse insulin” and it challenged me to think about why I was so worried about taking them, I’m not at all happy I’m taking them but I’m satisfied that they’re the right course of action for the current situation.
I’m not going to any talking therapy sessions or things like that. Personally I found them patronising & intrusive when I went to them after my Mums death, and I’m a grown up now so I’m allowed to choose not to go. They may work wonders for others, but I know I’m going in with preconceived ideas about them & don’t want to waste my time or theirs.
There’s something else I’m doing too, it wasn’t an easy choice and I had to wait a few weeks on the medication to see if it was just because I was feeling miserable all the time. I’ve quit work to do more running and spend too much time on twitter to be a Stay At Home Mum.
This was originally the plan when my son was born, but for reasons lost in time (or at least not blogged about) it never actually happened.
Today is the first day of staying home & with a few “jobs” and a couple of activities planned out for today the forecast is good!

A long post with no running…


Not in the mood?! Mood is for cattle and love play!
Gurney – Dune

Recently I have not been in the mood for, well to be honest, anything. I have been miserable, and felt like crawling into a hole to hide. I have been exhausted and I have been on the edge of tears all the time.
The slightest things have stressed me out and I can only guess I haven’t been the most fun person to be around.

The shower incident
It all came to a head when I was in the shower about 2 weeks ago, I started crying, not just a little bit, but almost hysterical sobbing, for no reason. I cannot tell you why I was wailing like a baby, or what triggered it, I just couldn’t stop. I even woke my daughter up, and made my husband think I’d had some kind of accident.
It freaked me out, I’d never really felt like that before, and never really felt so out of control of my emotions. Don’t misunderstand me, I’m not pretending I’m some “green blooded hobgoblin” who is always able to keep emotional responses under a Vulcan eyebrow lift, but I truly couldn’t stop crying and I honestly can’t tell you what for.

Doctor! Doctor…
So I went to the doctor and spun my tale of woe, upset & hysteria and the doctor said…

What do you want me to do about it?!

To which I was quite taken aback and unsure how to answer, I wasn’t aware I was supposed to have done homework before coming to the surgery. I found it hard enough to book the appointment, and explain to the doctor how I felt, I was also supposed to have looked for a solution? That’s why I went to the doctor, I though she might have some answers and help. I did explain I’d no idea what the options were, and was open to her suggestions and she replied.

Well, it sounds like your depressed, we could prescribe some medication or we could do some blood tests to see if its something else?

I have a reluctance to take medication willy nilly, if it’s not what I need at that moment in time, why take it? What if I build up a resistance? And it’s not as strong as when I REALLY need it? So I asked for a blood test and with that I was literally dismissed from the doctors office, as if I had wasted her time.

Heal thy self
I left the doctors feeling quite upset, but mostly angry! I might be wrong, and I’ve only been told things about Post Natal Depression, but all the things the Midwives & Heath Visitors have said were quite supportive and I just assumed that my doctor would be on the same wavelength when I came to someone without the “Post Natal” part of the equation.
Now I know things on the Internet should be take with a pinch of salt, but the NHS website was quite useful, and I wish I just did some googling and never darkened the door of my doctors surgery. I’m still waiting for the blood test results and it’s possible that there is something else under this miserable mood and exhaustion. But in the mean time I’m literally forcing myself to do some kind of exercise on a daily basis, mostly walking home from work (about 2km) and pushing to have as much routine as you can working in retail and being a mum of two under 5 year olds, and trying to eat more veggies & fruit.

I’ve also invested in some retail therapy, and bought some of these.


They’re Asics and they’ve got Gel in them, that’s about all I remember without checking the box! I’ll let you know more once I’ve actually been out and ran in them.

A problem shared…
So there we go! I’ve dumped a load of non running woes in my running blog and hopefully you’re still reading.
I guess I’ll let you know how the blood test goes.

oh P.S happy Pancake Day!